Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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