i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
