grandma shit on top of the toilet
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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