You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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