JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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