Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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