now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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