dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
