I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
