For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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