Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
