Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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