Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
