The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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