My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
