Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
