Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
