My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
