Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
