You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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