I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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