Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
