we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
