Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
