Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
