singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
smell my finger.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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