Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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