omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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