Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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