"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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