I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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