I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
