He asked me if I "almost moaned"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
