Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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