She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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