Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
