I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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