I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Text me some of your sweat
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
