imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
