theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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