Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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