apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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