the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
