everyone is single if you try hard enough
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
