Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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