I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
