I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
