i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
