totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
