she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
