There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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