So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i will never coherently bang her
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
