I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
