Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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