There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
