If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
